Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
