Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
