the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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