I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
