When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
