I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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