My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
