You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
