I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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