I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
