I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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