just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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