genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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