I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
