Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Randomize
