you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
