The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
