we have officially lost it.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
