If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
