WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
