Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
