Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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