There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Dignity is for republicans.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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