i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
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