things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
