Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
We need a shit load of segways right now
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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