we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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