this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
