he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
