would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Randomize
