When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
