I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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