The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
