Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
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You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
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Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
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