My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
