Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
