I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
