Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
