I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
