I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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