Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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