haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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