I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
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red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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