so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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