Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
