there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
