Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
