the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
