If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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