i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
