I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
