Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
