I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
