when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I forgot wine drunk hurts
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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